MY STORY AS I TELL IT

I walk around and listen to how fast and quick people judge me. Funny enough, my friends are in the bandwagon. As I listen to them, I want to scream, cry, argue, slap senses into their heads or just walk away like I normally do. But this time, I mean this time, I want to set the record straight.
It might have been an ugly sight, just looking at it there, lifeless, so beautiful too. But, what could I have done? The damage had been done maji yakimwagika… we all know the saying. If you were in this same shoes that are too heavy to carry, you would understand, but you not. I wish.. I wish… I wish I had another way out!
Of course we had not planned to have a baby, its one of those sweet moments where we forget the scriptures and get lost in passion. Deep deep passion I tell you. We all were careful, used protection mostly but this time, the energy, the umph was just too much. Ladies dare I say he was the perfect number, huge but not so, let me say massive. That’s just my type I don’t play cha baba na cha mama at my age, I go for the real thing. We were all carried away until pup! Condom burst! We all laughed at this and the day unfolded.
I know you asking, why didn’t you go for the pill? What of long-term protection? Oh Well, I thought I knew my days, I thought I was safe.. I even told him that. Then the signs started…hard tummy like stone, missed menses, pale skin. I got worried but my fears were confirmed. I told him, and he was a darling, held my hand all the way. I told my parents, theirs was a different story, they have always been conservative like Joshua in the river between. As expected, I was disowned… and I was never called to date.
So am stuck with my darling, just us against the world. Well, pregnancy comes with a lot of mood swings, pain, demands and hohohoo I never failed to unleash them anytime I wanted. He resulted in partying a lot, drinking, sleeping around. I would see him once a week. Little by little, he drifted off and I hardly saw him anymore. I became worried, no more picking of calls and the blue ticks were frequent. I went over to his place and wished I had not. I found him giving another girl what he ought to give me. That girl was too loud, felt like slapping her lifeless. How could he? We have a future together, I have his child. As expected, we got into an argument, a fight rather and that was it. Our sweet moments were finally given the crown they deserve ‘a breakup’.
I got so mad, cried a lot. What was I to give this baby, I couldn’t even feed myself. Where would I take it.. I became lost in pain and tears and lots and lots and lots of thoughts. How I got to a chemist, bought the drug and pushed out a baby, is a story I never want to tell. After, it was gone, I wished to undo what I had done, I prayed to God to give it back, but I was late I guess.. So late.
As I listen to your judgements(who kills a baby? She is so hurtless. Why open your legs if you can’t close them? This ladies are pure evil.)I would say, stop pretending, just because there is no evidence of you doing it does not mean you are clean. We all do it. Many of us have done worst than this but only God can judge. Most are scared of the unknown, how about we stop judging and ask God to forgive them since you are so righteous

   THE DEVIL I KNOW

 THE DEVIL I KNOW

The world we live in is quite complicated or better yet, we complicate it too much it becomes confusing. Whenever we walk around and meet people of different calibers, color, height, beauty and even dress code, we tend to cower in and move in the wrong direction. This devil comes in and sits comfortably without much ado. Of course we let it in because we believe in the pain it brings us.

I fight this demon everyday but its way stronger than I. How does one get rid of this demon when it lives inside me? It attacks my brain and kills the curve on my lips. Some days, I wake up with huge and large smiles formed on my lips. I look at the mirror every single morning and I smile at what I see. But why can’t they see it? Why do they cast me out?

We often think, ‘why does her hair look so beautiful? Why am I so fat? Her breasts are so firm! Why do all men look at her and not me? I must eat a little to look that slim.’ These thoughts keep bombarding our heads and we keep listening to the inner voices until it wears us down.

Do not get me wrong, there is a difference between appreciating other people’s strength and comparing yourself to them. Let me break it down, if you often feel the following, then we share the same demon.

According to Sean Cooper and Will Williams, these are the signs of inferiority complex:

  1. Always comparing yourself to another person
  2. You become so emotionally sensitive to failure
  3. You are secretly very judgmental of other people
  4. A deep rooted disbelief in yourself, despite any skills or success
  5. Expressing yourself in destructive ways
  6. Discouraging you from certain things that need to be done
  7. Disliking going into the company of others, meetings or dinner parties
  8. Steer away from anything that may be criticized

They say that this feeling may come if:

  1. You were somehow different as a child – whether physically or psychologically
  2. You were snapped at for no good reason, or brought up strictly to fear your parents or teachers
  3. Perhaps you were overly sensitive to your environment and the people in it
  4. You had brother or sister who did everything first and so you subconsciously felt left behind?
  5. Having a brothers or sisters who seemingly overshadowed you with attractive looks or greater success
  6. A parent who over-fussed, provided you with more than was needed, reduced your opportunity to find your own way

Maybe we are jealous or just intimidated by our friends’ beauty you may think, and yes maybe just a little bit.  This feeling always weighs us down to an extent we want to run back home and hide in the closet or break all the mirrors we see in the house or just cut ourselves in the thought of undoing what God has done. So, instead of pitying ourselves, how about we fight this and be happy for once in our lives.

Here is how we will fight it:

  1. Confidence

Some people feel inferior because of their physical appearance or failure to achieve anything they wanted to. Identify what exactly has caused inferiority complex and work on it, to eliminate it. Always dare yourself to go the extra mile. So she looks beautiful because she puts on makeup, how about you put a little make up on, she dresses well, and your wardrobe is not inviting, change it! If you feel fat, workout sometimes and if you cannot change it, dress your body with clothes that flatter your figure. Always be confident

  1. Focus on your strengths
  2. Stop the comparison

Comparing yourself to other people only makes you sad and lowers your esteem even further. Therefore, if you appreciate something you see in someone and you feel you need it, why don’t you purchase it. Not the exact type, but a different one. Just do not forget to be original in all you do.

  1. Love yourself and enjoy yourself!

You must learn to accept yourself for who you are, enjoying yourself and loving yourself.  This will help remove all the unnecessary stress in our lives. Dr. Seuss said, “Be who you are, because the people who mind don’t matter and the people who matter, don’t mind!” Be happy always.

  1. Do not make unnecessary assumptions

Sometimes, we think too much and create problems that did not even exist in the first place. Complete lack of confidence makes us skeptical of ourselves and we start imagining things. People may not even look at us in an inferior way, but we end up thinking they do.

  1. Help other people and get involved in activities

Helping other people makes you realize that you are in a better situation than many of them.  Making them happy will give a special meaning to your life and fill you with happiness and satisfaction. Instead of feeling low and being a burden to you, go out there and help people.

  1. Stay away from negative people for a while and spend more time with your loved ones

 

In general, let us realize that whatever flaws we have is ours and everybody else has flaws too and theirs might be worse than yours. Whatever flaws we have, let it not affect us unless you let it affect you. If we cannot change a thing about ourselves, learn to live with t unless you want to be miserable forever! You created this devil in you, it is you to kill it or live with it.

LOVE IS STRANGE

Where there is desire, there’s going to be a flame and  where there is a flame, someone’s about to get burnt. She made me feel a desire, a passion that burnt right through my veins. It was a strong feeling, that feeling that consumes every bone in your body, her eyes burnt mine till I looked away. She was indeed not my match! Every thought of her made me shrink. I longed for her touch, her lips, her tender breast were so warm I would sink my face in their and careless about my breathe. 

Every story has a unique beginning they say. This was a typical one,  the kind of story  that responds with what? Oh my God!  How could they? Shame on them!  bla bla bla…shocking as it may seem, It was a beautiful beginning, a fire that made it a flame al say. Two innocent souls, caught in the moment. Just a simple touch of the skin made their bodies desire for the unknown, feelings came with such magnitudes only heavens could comprehend. Little by little, caress whispers began, hands touched and explored each others bodies, pleasure became  too much to resist. My God, she was my midnight doctor. I called her safety and home. She took me places have never been before places only a goddess could take you. Her kiss was that of a goddess
I need to, we need to.. to. .stop! But these words couldn’t come out. They were more of a whisper. We knew this Wasn’t right, we had to stop, how did we even begin? May be, we helping each other was the wrong idea. Sacrifices were made. Please don’t judge us, we tried fighting it. She pushed me away in the worst way possible. I cried, screamed, even cursed, but she never looked back! I watched her walk away, my love took it all away, she carried my whole life with her right there and she didn’t even seem to care. Time heals wounds they say.  

What goes around surely came around. Here we are once again, she and I, we tried so hard to avoid each other. I never looked her direction and she never did mine but this feeling will get me in trouble someday. I still watch the movement of her lips, how her body moves with every breathe she takes. I wish she was mourning on top of me. She fulfills me  so much. But I beg you not to judge me, love is strange and I love her, we cannot fight it any further. 

Salute to the blacksheep

Who broke the glass? And the new plates I bought yesterday? Who took that piece of meat from my sufuria? Where is that remote? Where is… who dared…. Where were you when I called one of you?… What time did I say you should be home? Etcetera etcetera etcetera. This questions kept on and on and on. Funny enough, they had one answer, you! Somehow tables turn and its you all fingers point to. Maybe you wonder what I mean, let me refresh your memory, Are you often accused of things you didn’t do? Do you feel out of place in a family gathering? Do you often feel like yelling to the world to just shut up for a while and let you breathe for a moment? Brace up,  you my friend are indeed a blacksheep!hehe, welcome home! 

I know the cat caught your tongue! I mean, everything I pointed above points to you, right? Well,  I guess we are not alone, at least there is you and me. So many times we want people to see us for us, believe in us and even see our potential and just give us a pat on our backs, but that hardly happens. Somehow, we are often caught in between issues that we have no idea how we got there in the first place. 

I really don’t know who is wrong or who is right, we often complain about people around us not understanding us. It breaks our hearts even further when our parents look at us like mistakes. Mostly, its convenient  to take a minute and look at the mirror  and talk to the person in the mirror. If he smiles back, then u good to go but if the reverse  is true, you need to face it. However, being the black sheep of the family doesn’t make us  bad people, it just means that we are different. We see things differently, have our own opinions, and we are probably the only ones on our side so it feels like we are fighting a losing battle. 

You probably have a different lifestyle to those in your family and you’re someone who would rather follow their dreams and be happy.  Here is what  I mean, your parents were more strict with you than they were with your other siblings, your mistakes were blown out of proportion or punished inappropriately, you always carried the feeling that you “didn’t fit in” with your family, you didn’t develop strong connections with them, you were mocked, ridiculed or made fun of on a constant basis, your family seemed intent on making you feel “deficient” and also your family didn’t show any interest in who you really were as a person.

Oh well, if you made it this far, you deserve apart on your back! I am glad we dididn’td stray or commit suicide, but we stood to show the world that we are champions. If you are still in denial, brace up and let me help you. First, believe you are a blacksheep, embrace it, figure out what you might be doing that makes you a victim, stop trying to win the favor of your family members or anyone else, do activities that make you love you and in the end, you will realize they didn’t matter, but YOU DID! 

AFTER THE HEARTBREAK…

For how long will I be this way??hurting inside day by day. The pain keeps coming back everytime I see them together and I hate to admit but it still hurts maybe a bit but ,oh well, pain demands to be felt. I will embrace it and walk in shame head held high and pretend its alright even though it kills me. Where does love really go to in the long run?

💧💔💔💧💔💔💧
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
💧💔💔💔💔💔💧
💧💧💔💔💔💧💧
💧💧💧💔💧💧💧

Maybe I was too hopeful…maybe I trusted to much…maybe I am the problem. Maybe love wasn’t  meant for me but , I don’t want to be miserable. I want to feel loved,  appreciated ,I want to  belong to Someone who truly deserves me….I want to… to…. .oh well….time and patience will get me there

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But again, maybe i am too hard to love, or am not worth somebody’s time. Mistakes teach us they say but mine has made me miserable too miserable it changed me. I am scared of love cant even give my 10% in it. Maybe  someday, somebody will crack this shell and challenge my heart like he first did but hopefully for a good course
I mean, why would anybody walk into your life, give it meaning and then leave like it does not matter,  like he did not exist? The same person who dried your tears is the same person who made them wet for months. This same person who  ensured you never went hungry, tacked you to bed and even spooned you as you slept together then transforms to be the exact opposite of the person you knew, saying hurtful words without a care in the world! Karma is a bitch,  so wait for it!

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In this kind of situations, we often jump from one person to another. Hoping, praying and even wishing they save our souls from this misery, the unending pain and even tears but hardly does it work! We often end up  dragging the poor soul into our mess and he ends up drowning in misery too. Two wounded dogs can never help each other. This never works, if it did for you, then congratulations, you deserve an award. As for me, I want to  find me out, figure out my purpose in life and even engage in activities that will help me lift myself up.

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When things never go as we want them to, when everything  gets complicated and you feel alone in the world, never rush. Instead, give yourself time to heal, cry if you must but always put yourself first. In the end, you will realize you don’t need a man or woman to be happy. You need yourself!